I See You

Amos Lemon Burkhart
College application essay

 As I walked in the front door of Joey’s music shed, I was greeted by Anna. She waved her arms in the air and shouted “Hey!” over the sound of the distorted guitar rhythm. I had only ever had a few conversations with Anna. I had never been to a party before. Jack was the singer from “Cult Status”, a garage band put together by Joey. He was in charge of invitations. Me and Anna danced a little, the band finished their set, and things mellowed down a bit. I sat down on the ground next to a ratty old mattress. I was comforted to see Logan, and old friend from sunday school. He was getting cigarette ashes on his shirt. Jack came over to me and offered a poorly rolled joint. I said no. I asked if Annadore was coming. He said he didn't think so. He said he wished she were there, he said she would like me. Jack and Annadore had been a couple. Most of the school probably thought they were still together. I had talked to Annadore in study hall a few times. Jack encouraged me to take things further, I didn't quite understand why he was doing this, but my life had been so lonely for so long, I needed someone.I look back on that night as when my life really got started. As I transitioned out of childhood, I sank into a steady period of anxious isolation. I was halfway part of a lot of the groups at school, but I didn't feel like I belonged in any. So I kept to myself until Junior year. I experienced everything I had missed out on in so little time. I got a car, I had sex, I tried drugs, I put makeup on, I went new places and did new things. It felt like a new planet, and Annadore was at the center. I loved her. She was crazy and too much to handle and I loved her.

 She was a world of worry and ecstacy. I did everything I could to try and help her, it never worked. After all, I had nothing else to do.

We made plans to run away, they didn't work out, we tried to break up lots of times, our parents wanted us separated. We tried being friends, that didn't work, so we tried being friendly, that didn't work. We were done for good. Everything after that I can't seem to make sense of. I knew we hadn’t been good for each other, but nothing else seemed to measure up. I became best friends with Anna, I could never figure her out. What I did figure out was that marijuana turned my feelings off. Anna and I and some other ne’er-do-wells smoked and tripped and drove around in search of a good time. I tried and tried to feel like I did before, I found a girl named Aurora, and I liked her, but she didn't need to be taken care of and that was all I knew how to do. Senior year came, I got accepted into college, I got tired of my parents, I moved out, I spent lots of time with Aurora, Anna and I tried lots of new chemicals, things still didn't feel right.     
    A few weeks later I attempted suicide. My therapist says I did it to create my own chaos. The past year has been hard, but different. I’m developing a sense of direction in life, though it’s still unclear. Art helps me try to make sense of it all, and I get lots of inspiration from my past. I feel as though I’m ready for whatever happens next, I’m excited to do whatever I end up doing.

Still from Together, 2016 Multimedia animation